Three Steps to Sell a Haunted House by Lyndsey Croal
Chapter One of “An income diversification guide for underemployed mediums”
1) Learn the character of the place. So many modern houses are dull and soulless. If a house is haunted, it’s most likely old, and that means it has character and flair. Get to know your house, and its current residents, then find a way to enhance its quirks. The creaks at night are just natural shifts in the architecture – a good house breathes. The light breeze like a cold breath in your ear as you sleep – just a very slight draft from the unique period sash windows, with their beautiful original shutters that definitely do not open of their own accord. Anyway, the air helps prevent damp – modern houses are always getting damp problems, did you know that? Too enclosed, too stuffy, not enough ventilation. This house was built to last. Now, the wallpaper that flutters ever so slightly as you walk by, moving like dry peeling lips, whispering to you to get out – that’s just a charming design, sought after by antique enthusiasts and home decorators alike! Once restored, it’ll be a conversation starter with guests. So, as you welcome your client into the house, highlight the good stuff. Talk about the wooden staircase like they don’t make them anymore, the tall ceilings perfect for building a gallery wall, the generous garden with fruit trees and bramble bushes that only needs a little attention, the built-in bookcases for the budding librarian, and all the other original features (while the ghost lurks behind you, telling you it’s a person, not a feature, but it’s okay because right now only you can hear the ghost as that used to be your line of work and you understand the spirit world, but we all know that mediumship is too unreliable a source of income, so you’ve had to diversify into real estate).
2) Know your target. People usually sense signs of a haunting or will leave a viewing just because they felt bad vibes, and so haunted houses usually take time to find the right owner (or a future haunting subject). You might say a house chooses its owner, but really, it’s the economy – most people ask questions as to why the place hasn’t sold sooner, what must be wrong with it, who must have died in this place (very insensitive of them, the ghosts tell you quite aggressively, when those clients leave). But all is not lost, because desperate people don’t ask questions. Find those people, steer them through the above-mentioned highlights, tell them the house is a steal, that they won’t find anything else in their budget, that in fact, if you weren’t already settled in your own period-feature-definitely-not-haunted house (except you actually live in a sensible modern flat free from haunting, but being a good agent is about selling a story), you’d be buying it up in a heartbeat! Tell them – as you ignore the fingernail scrapes from the hidden basement, or the chatter of teeth from the young man who drowned in the bathtub, or the rattling breaths of the old woman who has never left her chair by the fireplace – that this is the perfect investment, a great home to start a family, a place that you can create memories in. The latter, at least, is definitely true.
3) Seal the deal. Now, this is the important part – before a viewing, you must make your first deal: a deal with the ghosts that reside within it. The last thing you want while you’re showing your future owners around is for the ghosts to show their full haunting potential during a viewing. Even the most desperate of clients wouldn’t take on a house if they were to witness undeniable proof of a haunting – people aren’t that stupid. But, while setting up the house for a viewing, if you find the resident ghosts, you can easily bargain with them. You see, ghosts thrive if they have subjects to haunt, and an empty house does no one any good – not you, not the currently hidden-rot-infested staircase, and certainly not them. If the ghosts want to maintain their energy, to remain rooted enough to the place, then they will need a family to move in, and that means you making a sale. It’s a win-win. If you have a particularly discordant ghost, you might consider temporary measures like salt boundaries, or a mild banishment ritual. Either way, once the papers are signed, you’ll have earned your commission (a generous one from the agency for shifting its most “hard to sell” property), and you’ll have fulfilled your end of the deal – for the current, and future residents alike. Simply shake their hands (cleansed with a salt wash of course), wish them the best, head onto your next house, and follow steps one to three again. And for the budding entrepreneur, continue to Chapter Two for my top tips on selling possessed paraphernalia. As ever, proceed with caution.
Lyndsey is a Scottish author of strange and speculative fiction published in 100+ magazines and anthologies, including Apex, ElectricLit, Weird Tales, Best of British Science Fiction, and Mslexia’s Best Women’s Short Fiction. She’s a Scottish Book Trust New Writers Awardee, Shirley Jackson Award and four-times British Fantasy Award Finalist, and former Hawthornden Fellow. Her longer works include Limelight and Other Stories (Shortwave) and Dark Crescent (Luna Press). Find more of her work via www.lyndseycroal.co.uk or on Bsky and Instagram as @lyndseycroal.
